This Post Breaks All the Rules

Socially speaking, I’m not allowed to write this post.

Even the business world would frown on me.

Because we’re supposed to only present our best selves, right? And as a business owner, I’m supposed to give the impression that I’ve got it all under control.

To a degree, these are good rules. Personally, I don’t like it when people show up to work and start crying about their broken marriage. But I don’t hold it against them. I don’t tell them to stop. I just ignore them if I don’t want to hear it.

So if you don’t want to hear it, I suggest you stop reading now. Because I’m about to unleash as a father, a husband, a middle-class citizen, an aspiring bestselling author, and a brand-new business owner.

This post breaks all the rules. I trust you’ll forgive me.

I’m mad. No, I’m perpetually pissed off. My wife sees it, my kids see it, and I wake up and go to sleep each day feeling it.

Today I had to take our foster son to the doctor to get staples removed from his head. A quick two-minute procedure. But since Kentucky passed a new law mandating that foster parents have to get consent from the kids’ social workers before a doctor can do anything, they have to get permission from the already-hard-to-reach social workers. We were at the doctor this morning for almost an hour. No response. We called and called. I ended up having to reschedule and leave with the staples still in his head so I wouldn’t be late for work.

Because, you know, being a law-abiding, working middle-class citizen is no different than grade school. Can’t be tardy! (My particular day job is actually good in this regard compared to others’, but you get my point.)

Which is half the reason I’ve started my own business. I’m tired of being told when to show up to work and when I’m allowed to go on vacation. That is, if my insurance hasn’t robbed me as blind as the previous month.  I’m tired of getting permission to be sick.

I hate that the foster care system is crap deteriorating to shit that even makes the bacteria sick, never getting better, always getting worse.

I hate the state giving drug-addicts every chance under the sun (and then years-worth-of-chances after that) to get their kids back only for them to likely be abused and neglected even more, just so the faceless assholes running our government can come out looking like the good guys. All the while we foster parents are trying to do a good thing for these kids and we’re treated worse than the felons!

I can’t do a single thing about it and that really pisses me off!!!

I hate that running a business and writing a book takes nearly all the risk and energy in the world. And it’s driven by pure fear. I hate that no hours in a day is not just a cliche saying. It’s really, really, really, really true. And that sucks so bad.

I’m terrified that I’m going to fail. I’m terrified that you’re all going to read my book and hate it. (I’m not so terrified that you’re going to hate the other authors’ books because they’ve got more talent than I have in one of my graying hairs.) But the bigger fear is that you’re not going to buy our books. You’ll like the pages and posts and share the excerpts, but come book release, you’ll shrug it off.

I’m terrified that my kids won’t discover their passions until late in life, like me. And they’ll be stuck clocking in at a job they don’t care for making money for someone they don’t even know.

I’m terrified that my wife and I will just be done with each other. I’m terrified that I really can’t change. I hate that I love my kids so much and that one day they’re not going to care. I hate that I can’t take care of babies. I make them cry. My rapid heart-rate and boiling blood freaks them out.

I hate that I don’t know how to raise my kids.

Just on my way to work this morning (I made it on time, no thanks to the foster care system), blasted the music and just screamed. I’m sick of working my ass off and being robbed nearly half of my paycheck by our insurance. If you don’t know that money is only going to fatten corporate wallets, then you need to do your homework. (Where do you think your premiums are going if you still have to pay extreme medical bills?) And that doesn’t account for taxes.

I’m sick of the hardest working people getting paid nickels and dimes and the comfortable corner-office inhabitants getting perks and hiring maids to dust out their Ferraris.

I can go on. And believe me, each day I do. But I’m not going to be another one of those bloggers who pretends everything is great and that my life is all peaches and flowers. I’m a human being with real issues and real problems and real effed up emotions.

I’m a terrible husband at best.

I’m a paranoid and angry father.

I’m a terrible writer.

I’m a terrified business owner.

I’m completely unraveled.

You’re all going to comment and say things like, “It’s okay, we feel your pain,” or “You’re a great writer! I’ve been following you for years!”


In fact, you’re as messed up and in as bad of a situation as I am. Gripe. Just let it out. Writing this didn’t fix anything, and honestly, it didn’t make me feel better. But at least I’m not lying or presenting a false image. Because this is who I am. This is how I feel.

And I’m really sorry, but I’m going to keep trying my hardest. Because I’m just. That. Stupid.

Published by Andrew Toy

Writer when I'm not being a husband or dad. So mostly just a husband and dad.

23 thoughts on “This Post Breaks All the Rules

  1. Quite frankly, I’m just as fed up with the attitude that some present as if everything is fine all of the time. Perpetual bliss? Doesn’t exist. Life is good sometimes and there are times of happiness, indeed but what happens when it hits the fan (which seems to be more often than not). I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells with my blog because there are those who read it who would know it’s directed at them. I hate that. I don’t want to trash people and I won’t but at the same time, I have thoughts and answers but can’t share them. I’m caught between wanting to present myself as professional and wanting to let the world know I’m the farthest thing from professional. “Fake” makes me sick. Masks make me want to die. Even thinking about writing a post out of hesitancy makes me want to quit. I hate it but I can’t help it.


  2. No attempts to patronise Andrew. What this posts shows it is written by someone who is human. You got it out there. If people don’t like it they can always switch off.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I appreciate your honesty. It’s hard to do everything we want to and still have to smile and keep it together for appearances, and it’s refreshing to see someone finally be honest about their inner turmoil.

    I won’t pump you with “it’ll be okay” and other cliches, but I do want to say that I look forward to reading more of your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This sure was a shitty post 😉
    I subscribe to many happy- go-lucky blogs to try to make myself happy to no avail sometimes. Today, I actually subscribed to an angry blog to see if that works. 😠


  5. Oh my, you got royally attacked by your inner critic. I agree, I don’t like that people show only one side of life, dark and light go together, we are not whole with out both. And, I’m also seeing that some of what you wrote are plain old lies that your inner critic has presented to you as the truth. Yes, there is a lot of truth in your post about the terrible systems that are supposed to be helping and are actually hurting (foster care system!!). And then you went on a self-hating bit, and those are the lies that I’m referring to. You are taking big risks, and making big changes (your business! your book!) and that’s when the critic comes out and wants to strike us down – it’s out of fear and wanting to protect you, wanting you to back down and stay small. We all have this critic inside of us – mine is mean as hell to me. Don’t believe it, separate out the truth from the lies, remember who you really are inside. I hope you take this comment as it was meant, with love.


  6. An amazing and incredibly true post. I feel the exact same way about most things in this world, and sometimes enough is enough. It’s refreshing to see someone be honest about their thoughts, feelings, and who they really are. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your writing and new business. Hope everything works out well for you!


  7. From Stranger to stranger, and as someone who followed your blog from the time I started my first and then ended up with the one I have, you’re right. Life does suck sometimes. I think the law that you mentioned is absolutely crazy because, hey, if the foster parents aren’t doing what’s best for the kids, then why did they let them adopt them? Surely knowing when your kid needs a dr is an important part of parenting. As for the book buying, you need to use one of the strongest assets the book industry has – and that’d be bloggers. If you can get enough bloggers going on and on and on about it, up until and shortly after release day, trust me, a lot of people will be buying your books! As part of the bookish community, I have bought tons of books basically because another reviewer has loved it. I’m not a writer, but I know that writing is time consuming, but if you love it, it’s worth it 🙂 keep your chin up and keep reaching for the stars 🙂 it’ll get better at some point.


  8. Speaking as a dad of 3 kids under 5 and a husband to a wife with sickle cell disease who can’t seem to go one normal mother’s week without being a wreck by the end of it … yes, life can suck. And there’s nothing I can do about it. When I’m at work and I get that call (usually one or two per week): the one where I can instantly tell that she just can’t cope any more and she needs me to be at home with her, she needs me to take her screaming baby and her hurricane of a toddler for an hour so she doesn’t spiral down into debilitating, unbearable pain that robs her of sleep and threatens to send her to hospital for a month (and yes, I love our National Health Service passionately) … that’s when I know that I need this writing thing to work as well. Not so I can swan around in cafes all day with my laptop, but so I can be there for her exactly when she needs me. So here’s the best of luck to all of us, and that’s why I am how I am (and you know what I mean).


  9. I don’t normally write or comment on other’s blog posts however I felt compelled to comment today. Instead of giving you the “it’s going to be okay” you don’t want to hear, and I wouldn’t say anyway, I will tell you about me. Not all drug addicts get chance after chance. I am a recovering drug addict, clean and sober almost 3 years and I don’t have custody of my kids in any way. Some deserve a chance but don’t get it. It was the first time I lost custody (no years of back and forth) and I have yet to get them back. Also, my blog may fall under the catagory of “rainbows and butterflies all the time”, but I do it by choice and I’ll tell you why. I had shed so much darkness with everything I touched before about 3 years ago. I spewed problems all over my previous blog, with little to no solution. It swallowed me up. I have made a personal choice (and the choice is mine alone) that what I will put out there for the world to see on my blog, will be uplifting and of love. I had put out enough fear and hate for a lifetime. When I need to process fear or hate, I do it somewhere else, in a different way. Not to present to the world that life is perfect or I am not human but so that what I spread on a mass level is not more darkness. The world has enough of that. I want to share hope. But one thing that is most important to me is authenticity. I believe in telling the truth no matter what. I believe that there is nothing to fear by telling the truth… ever. So keep on telling the truth no matter what others think or say! It’s your blog, your truth.


  10. You’re human. We all feel the way you do from time-to-time. As for the foster care system, it sucks. Plain and simple. It deals with the biological parents inappropriately, it deals with the foster parents inappropriately, it deals with biological relatives that want to foster/adopt inappropriately, and the end result is the children suffer and the state makes money off the system. Boy, put us together and we really could rant majorly!


  11. This post worries. Too much energy spent on the rant, leaves less energy for coping. Don’t waste energy fighting battles you will never win. Ranting over the social worker won’t get him or her to pick up the phone one jot quicker. And writing this didn’t even make you feel better!
    On the positive side, it is well written, good clarity of thought, powerfully argued, grabbed attention, engaged attention to the end. Why are you worried about your writing career?
    Good luck with the business. Can I submit some work for consideration?


  12. The foster people should have given you permission for the staple removal at the same time they gave permission to have them put in. It’s an automatic given that they have to be removed. I had not realized the system was a flawed as it is. With this being Halloween time maybe the good folk wanted him to keep the staples in as part of his costume. 🙂


  13. The social worker do harm on both side. Kids where taken. Because of my husband who i had left due to abuse but because i was. Living with friends. And have some health issues. They took my kids. I have never harmed my children. I dont drink and never done drugs. So not ever foster child case is cause bad parenting . since my kids have been in foster care they have been abused. By the first set of parents . they also been seprated and moved 5 times. In one year. I have done everything and still cause i have some health issuse which are manageable and minor. My kids are without me. All cause i left there father to protect them


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